"For Your Eyes Only -- Canadian Agents"

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***** FOR YOUR EYES ONLY *****
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Below is a partial list of Canadian agents operating in the United States entertainment industry. This list should be considered CLASSIFIED -- TOP SECRET, and should be treated accordingly....

Aykroyd, Dan: The first of many agents to use "Saturday Night Live" as a cover.

Bain, Conrad: Has an identical twin brother, Bonar. When one is reporting to his superiors in Ottawa, the other one steps in, thus making American CIA and FBI agents believe he has never actually left town.

Barbour, John: His "Real People" series kept the Americans from discovering our activities in 1979 and the early 1980s because so many Americans were watching and/or trying to appear on "Real People".

Berger, Nadine: Infiltrated CBS News several years ago.

Blanchard, Rachel: Fashion mavens CAN be good-hearted, even when everyone else is Clueless.

Bochner, Lloyd: Specialty: forcing American industrialists into financial ruin.

Bolton, Cynthia Ann: Proof that God exists. (Okay, okay, maybe she's not Canadian... but we can dream, can't we?....)

Bujold, Genevieve: Makes many people lose their heads.

Burr, Raymond: Is the only lawyer who is respected in the U.S. Also uses a wheelchair as a cover for his real identity.

Candy, John: Member of the SCTV gang. Dead (perhaps), but behind that quick laugh and jolly exterior lay a cool, calculating mind that still keeps many of the recent "Canuck Comedians" coordinated in their attack plan via the American funny bone.

Cariou, Len: An actor and director, ensuring some control and Canadian interpretation of Shakespeare.

Carrey, Jim: Only a Canadian WASP could take over "In Living Color" (properly named "In Living Colour").

Chong, Thomas: Influenced a generation of Americans (including Cheech Marin). Is a close, personal nightmare of Nancy Reagan.

Clark, Susan: Has not only portrayed Babe Didrickson, an important figure in American and Olympic sports history, but also influences teenage boys and short people named Webster.

Cohen, Leonard: Has been seducing American women with words or voice for over thirty years.

Colicos, John: Helps ensure that an American choosing a side will still choose a side led by a Canadian. Thus, he was the first Klingon opposite Agent Shatner (q.v.), and played the bad guy when Agent Green (q.v.) dominated via his Battlestar Galactica.

Collins, Dorothy: Influenced what "Candid Camera" did, thus serving as the model for Agent Barbour (q.v.).

Conrad, Kimberly: Secured "the [Hugh] Hefner beachhead (uh, grottohead)." [Reported by Secret Agent Malcom.]

Cronenberg, David: Disguises some of our plans (for what will be done to Americans) in movies that, ironically, scare Americans and/or make their heads hurt.

Cronyn, Hume: Married Miss Daisy.

DeCarlo, Yvonne: Married Moses, thus ensuring a strong Canadian influence over Judeo-Christian beliefs. Also married Herman Munster, thus ensuring a strong Canadian influence over nightmares (and giddy reactions thereto).

Dewhurst, Colleen: Raised Murphy Brown, who helped defeat an American administration over the meaning of "family values".

Dion, Céline: Her singing of "The Power of the Dream" at the Atlanta Games' opening ceremony was another in her sublime ways of showing that U.S. industry -- Disney and Olympic Organizing Committees combined -- are no match for a Canadian chantuese.

Doohan, James: Received his intensive space training at the CBC prior to joining Agent Shatner (q.v.) in taking over a particular star ship.

Foley, David: One of our newer agents, learning from one of our best (Agent Hartman (q.v.)).

Ford, Glenn: An actor with a lot of clout (as demonstrated by the more than hundred films he has been in) who also infiltrated the USMCR as early as 1942.

Foster, David: Ensured the theme song from "St. Elmo's Fire", an American movie, was about a Canadian.

Fox, Michael J.: Entertainment Industry Commando. He may be little, but he's tough: was able to keep up family ties while travelling back and forth in the space-time continuum.

Frewer, Matt: Infiltrated all American integrated circuits (not to mention many cyber-fans) as Max Headroom. He is now as cool and pink as a panther.

Frum, David: Said "Axis of Evil" as a joke. We are SO sorry anyone thought he was serious.

Galbraith, John Kenneth: Has "served" America in a variety of roles, including advisor on National Defense, director of US Strategic Bombing Survey, and chairperson of "Americans for Democratic Action" (all of which, "for some reason", have never been concerned about Canada). Perhaps most important, he has personally controlled American economic policy since the days of Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

George, Chief Dan: Parliament documents describing his role at Little Big Horn are still classified top-secret.

Gosling, James: His colleagues at Sun Microsystems found out: "Perhaps the world's greatest living programmer." His Java invention provided another outlet for our stealth code.

Green, Lorne: Dead (perhaps), but still has such personal control over U.S. Immigration and Naturalization Services that "The Green Card" is still his namesake.

Green, Red: "When the strike comes, Red will have all of America duct-taped in no time. The cabal doesn't find him handsome but they at least find him handy." [Reported by Secret Agent Malcom.]

Gretzky, Wayne: Uses the position of captain for various hockey teams as a cover for his coordination of Canuck activities in various sports facilities.

Gross, Paul: The key lesson from his Due South hours is how easy it is for even a single Canadian to take over simply with a few of our "Excuse me..." and "Please...".

Hall, Monty: Has made Americans give him anything and everything for what they think is behind door #2. This will come in handy when he asks Americans to give up.

Hamel, Alan: The genius behind Suzanne Somers' dumb blonde.

Harron, Don: a.k.a.: Charlie Farqueson, who has influenced rural Americans through his regular appearances on "Hee Haw".

Hart, Corey: The result of an incredible genetic engineering experiment (performed at the Toronto Hospital for Sick Children), combining features from figures many Americans feel comfortable with, including James Dean, Elvis Presley, and Elmer Fudd.

Hartman, Phil: Is about to be parachuted into the White House to take over the non-Canadian world as Bill Clinton.

Henning, Doug: At the appointed moment, will make critical components of the U.S. Armed Forces infrastructure disappear while ooing "Magic is wonderful!!"

Hill, Arthur: His RCAF training and missions prepared him well for taking over the top-secret "Andromeda Strain".

Hill, Dan: Authorizes all mush attacks. (Is capable of being overwhelmingly mushy single-handedly.)

Hunter, Tommy: No American country singer made it big without Hunter's okay from Canada.

IMAX: "The best mind control technology yet devised by our cultural imperialists. Perhaps the greatest Canadian technology for cultural indoctrination to be shipped south since the light bulb and telephone." [Reported by Secret Agent Malcom.]

Ireland, John: Director who ensured "Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy" did not give away any of our secrets.

Ito, Robert: An incredible medical genius who used Dr. Quincy as an unsuspecting front.

Jennings, Peter: Most viewers of "World News Tonight" don't even know that "ABC" stands for "American Broadcasting... from Canada".

Jewison, Norman: Has "directed" many of the most influential "American" television shows, including Harry Belafonte, Jackie Gleason, Andy Williams, Jdy Garland, and Danny Kaye. His dominance over all emotional reaction to U.S. entertainment is demonstrated by his roles in creating "The Russians are Coming", "Fiddler on the Roof", "Jesus Christ Superstar", and, of course, "The Cincinnati Kid". Uses the fact he gets awards all over to spread Canadian influence all over.

Keeler, Ruby: The mother of film tap dancing. Married Al Jolson.

Kidder, Margot: Has a great degree of personal influence (read: control) over Superman (q.v.).

Kinsella, W.P.: Wrote "Shoeless Joe", which many Americans believe is about their "Field of Dreams".

Kuzyk, Mimi: Keeps quiet and strong while blending in with the crowd, like "Hill Street Blues" and "L.A. Law".

lang, k.d.: Only a Canadian vegetarian could get the American cattle industry in such an uproar with the words "Beef stinks".

Levy, Eugene: Member of the SCTV gang.

Lightfoot, Gordon: His song "If You Could Read My Mind" is an encoded message to Canuck agents on "How to Read All Minds".

Linkletter, Art: American kids say the darndest things... when it's a Canadian making them talk.

Little, Rich: Has, since the 1960s, ensured voice commands from U.S. presidents are in Canada's favour.

Lombardo, Guy: Started the tradition that now has millions of Americans in or watching Time Square to ring in the New Year. (Our top-secret "Final Takeover of the U.S." plans focus on lightning-fast commando raids taking place at about 11:55 in the evening of December 31.)

MacNeil, Robert: Used to be a radio actor for the CBC, a skill that comes in handy in blending in so that intellectual Americans aren't aware their news is obtained from, and their political leaders are grilled by, a Canadian.

Mandel, Howie: Many Americans think he is a twisted and bizarre person. His actions serve as a distraction for our special missions -- Mandel's mind is actually the most straightforward and serious since Lester B. Pearson. (The only hint of Pearson's humour was Pierre Elliott Trudeau.)

March, Barbara: As Lursa of the "lusty busty" Duras sisters, gave a small demonstration of how even Canadian women are fully prepared to take over empires (particularly American ones).

McLerie, Allyn: An actress, singer, and dancer in many plays, movies, and series. Became Molly Dodd's mom, thus causing Molly to need constant psychiatric care.

McLuhan, Marshal: His top-secret research from thirty years ago is still being used to shape the American news and entertainment services.

Michaels, Lorne: Original producer of "Saturday Night Live", one of the best covers for Canadian agents since the War of 1812.

Mitchell, Joni: A singer and songwriter of jazz and rock blues. Many popular American artists were inspired/brainwashed by Ms. Mitchell. Her "We are stardust / We are golden / And we've got to get ourselves back to the garden" was the theme song of the Woodstock Generation.

Moranis, Rick: Member of the SCTV gang. Shrinks kids. (Shrunken Americans are easier to control and transport.)

Morissette, Alanis: Caused the early demise of American propaganda censors because, on live broadcasts, she sang words the Americans thought Canadians did not know.

Murray, Anne: Made even Burt Reynolds forget about Dinah Shore.

Myers, Mike: a.k.a.: "Wayne Campbell". When it comes to this agent's influence over them, Americans are immune...NOT!

Nelligan, Kate: Not just an actress in theatre and films, but has some involvement with "Dracula" and "The Prince of Tides" (who happens to control water flow at The Bay of Fundy).

Newman, Kevin: Received intensive training by the CBC prior to joining another agent in taking over ABC's World News Now. [Partly reported by Secret Agent Henry.]

Nielsen, Leslie: Watching Nielsen gives many Americans a false sense of security. Little do they know that a large number of Nielsen's orders came via his brother, who was a senior member in Canada's parliament for many years.

O'Hara, Catherine: Member of the SCTV gang. Knows Beetlejuice. (Terrified Americans are easier to control and transport.) Convinced a generation of U.S. parents that it was okay to go on vacation without their children. (Children left home alone are easier to terrify, thus easier to control and transport.)

Ontkean, Michael: Was trained in childhood (through CBC, Stratford, and National Film Board) to participate in a variety of movies and series, including "The Rookies" and "Twin Peaks".

Peterson, Oscar: What better way to infiltrate the American mind than to become a pianist in the one music form Americans invented, jazz. Having first debuted in Carnegie Hall in 1949, Peterson's dozens of albums contain hidden messages.

Pickford, Mary: "a.k.a. "America's Sweetheart". If they only knew that it was a Canadian who fooled all of the people all of the time! A pillar of Hollywood for many years and trailblazer for the 'cleaners' and reinforcements sent since." [Reported by Secret Agent Malcom.]

Pinsent, Gordon: Member of the Royal Canadian Regiment over forty years ago, which included training for his low-key portrayals in various plays and movies. Current assignment: "Due South".

Plummer, Christopher: He figured out what to do with Maria, long before becoming the nastiest Klingon since Agent Colicos (q.v.).

Priestley, Jason: Uses an American zip code, 90210, to induce heart throbbings in millions of American girls and women.

Pursuit, Trivial: Proved that Canadians could create something more mind-numbingly addictive for Americans than anything from south of the Panama Canal.

Roberts, J.D.: Only the latest in a series of Canadian reporters to infiltrate an American news organization (where he goes by the less threatening "John Roberts").

Ruben, Gloria: Was prepared for any interrogation (and emergency room horrors) through early, repeated exposure to the theme music for "The Polka Dot Door". Suggested the code name for when we take over: "The Polka Dot Day".

Safer, Morley: "Have you ever wondered why no one on 60 Minutes says anything bad about Canada?" It's because Rooney, Wallace, et al. are kept in check by a Canadian.

Sahl, Mort: Was telling Americans about the conspiracy to assassinate JFK when Oliver Stone was having his school portrait taken.

Sainte-Marie, Buffy: Uses her frequent appearances on "Sesame Street" to brainwash young minds to the Canadian way.

Sanborn, David: Expert at using a reed instrument to pass on top-secret information. Regularly uses, under the auspices of the Eastern Seaboard Coordinator (q.v. Agent Shaffer), a late-night television show to give coded messages to the Canadian Armed Forces.

Sarrazin, Michael: Performed heart throb duty in the late 1960s and early 1970s.

Shaffer, Paul: Uses "The Late Show with David Letterman" as a cover for his coordination of Canuck activities along the U.S. eastern seaboard.

Shatner, William: Turned generations of intelligent and independent American minds into Trekkies.

Shaver, Helen: This commando captured more than a few desert hearts.

Short, Martin: Member of the SCTV gang.

Shuster, Frank: Half of the team that controlled Ed Sullivan.

Singer, Marc: Our top agent in, and leader of, the Animal Mind Control Brigade.

Smith, Alexis: Pioneer for certain roles later played by Agent Clark (q.v.), including "The Constant Nymph", "Rhapsody in Blue", "Of Human Bondage"... well, you get the idea.

Snow, Hank: Born in Brooklyn (Brooklyn, Nova Scotia), his country music has dominated airplay for decades.

Steinberg, David: American feminists never realized that much of their best television sitcom, "Designing Women", was directed by a Canadian male.

Stratas, Teresa: Received the Order of Canada because even American opera goers are not immune to hearing the latest policies from Canada.

Superman: Little do people in the U.S. know that the pervader of truth, justice, and the "American" way happens to have been invented by a Canadian, "a relative of Agent Shuster (q.v.) in fact." "Nor do most know that the Daily Planet was originally the Daily Star (after the Toronto Star) and that the skyline that [Superman] flew over in the early comics was the skyline of Toronto." [Partly reported by Secret Agent Malcom.]

Sutherland, Donald: His influence over Hollywood is so strong, no American has ever complained (for long) about how extreme leftist his roles have been. (He's even portrayed Dr. Norman Bethune, a dedicated communist, twice.) His "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" is based on one of our public plans, as reported by CIA Agent "Sooty": "All those pods... are Canadians! I knew it. You can't wait for night to fall in the U.S. and we go to sleep, only to wake as born again Canadians." [Note to Recruitment: Please perform standard check of CIA Agent "Sooty" for listing as a possible candidate for double-agent....]

Thicke, Alan: "Thicke of the Night" was his unselfish mission to distribute subliminal messages to those Americans not reached by Agent Anka (q.v.).

Thomas, Dave: Member of the SCTV gang.

Thomson, Roy: a.k.a.: Lord Thomson of Fleet, who defined "media mogul" when Rupert Murdoch had a paper route.

Trebek, Alex: The Americans still do not know the triple jeoardy they are in from becoming addicted to a particular game show.

Twain, Shania: Some Americans attempted to take over our broadcast regulations. We retaliated: Ms. Twain took over Nashville by making Americans think she needed a man.

Tweed, Shannon: Was the key agent in a top-secret mission coordinated by the CTV to infiltrate and dominate Hugh Hefner's world. "Agent Tweed has since been re-assigned to keeping Kiss offstage. This was seen as the most effective method for demobilizing the Kiss Army who remain to this day as the only organized resistance to the Canadian takeover. Recent efforts to get Kiss re-mobilized were successfully thwarted by substitution. A compilation of other artists doing Kiss songs was recently released. This poses no threat to our endeavour. According to the intelligence I have, Gene Simmons told Agent Tweed, 'I'm going on the road again.' The dutiful agent replied, 'Kiss my a--.' Simmons did so, cancelled other plans and provided the compilation with its name." [Partly reported by Secret Agent Malcom.]

Vannelli, Gino: "Black cars look better in the shade" is actually a set of instructions to Canadian agents posted in Washington, D.C. on how to follow key U.S. government members.

Vernon, John: Uses two first names to obscure his true identity. Hides the more radical elements of our spy organization in his animal house.

Vickers, Jon: Performs the male roles Agent Stratas (q.v.) is unable to handle on her own.

Walsh, Gwynyth: As B'Etor of the "lusty busty" Duras sisters, caused millions of American science fiction fans to gaze at her visage on screens rather than watching for the threat from the north.

Waxman, Al: Controlled American police, including officers Cagney and Lacey.

Wayne, Johnny: Half of the team that controlled Ed Sullivan.

Wiseman, Joseph: Actor and reader of Yiddish and related literature. His most vital a.k.a.: Dr. No.

Wray, Fay: Proved to King Kong that a Canadian can make a monkey out of anyone.

Young, Neil: Co-founder of Buffalo Springfield; survived Crosby, Stills & Nash.

Zuckerman, Mortimer: Demonstrates our patience by proving that the only person who doesn't yell on "The McLaughlin Group" is a Canadian.

• Secret Agent John
• Secret Agent Stewart
• Secret Agent David
• Secret Agent Malcolm
• CIA Agent "Sooty"
• the movie "The Canadian Conspiracy"

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Copyright ©1992, 1996, 1997 Vernon R.J. Schmid and others. All rights reserved.
Last Updated: 2005-01-25.

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